I was recently invited to a wedding. (I don’t know what the bride and groom were thinking when they did this.)

I have been amusing myself re-writing the wedding invitation as a “five paragraph” military operations order (OPORD).

Some of these jokes will only make sense if you were there. Names, locations, and contacts obscured to protect the innocent.

OPERATIONS ORDER - HIRSUTE UNICORN
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1. SITUATION
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Enemy forces:
- CAKE.

Friendly forces:
- VIP's BRIDE, GROOM
- VIP support MYRRH
- Friends and family of operatives BRIDE and GROOM
- 13th Quartermaster Coy, "Q Company"
- 11th sonic artillery "DOVE HARP" (Unit motto "Killing me softly")
- 23rd sonic artillery "SMOOTH JAZZ"

Terrain

The first area of operations at grid 50JLK 9193 1233 is code-named "SUNKEN GARDEN". The terrain is a basin-shaped depression offering good cover from enemy fire. Sides of the basin consist of terraced steps leading down to a grassy area with a raised platform. The basin is bordered by vegetation which provides concealment.

The second area of operations at grid 50JLK 3135 1229 is code-named "AQWA". AQWA is a fortified building normally used for training marine animals. The main entrance leads into a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. Numerous tanks contain emergency water and fresh seafood.

2. MISSION
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The mission is to escort BRIDE to deliver a payload to GROOM at SUNKEN GARDEN. Payload consists of two polished metallic rings approx 2.5 cm in diameter. Once the payload is delivered, BRIDE and GROOM will be extracted to AQWA. Field reports indicate that enemy CAKE is based in AQWA and resistance by CAKE is likely. AQWA must be held until all CAKE is eliminated.

Higher purpose of mission is as opening stage of long-term psychological warfare.

3. EXECUTION
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The main effort will consist of the friends and family of BRIDE and GROOM.

Friendly units from 13th Q coy. will prepare the LZ at grid 50JLK 9193 1233 beginning at time 1500. Their mission is to 1) emplace fortified seating positions on the grassed plain and 2) install loudspeaker support overlooking friendly positions. Seating positions will be positioned to give overlapping fields of view over the kill zone.

The main effort will arrive time NLT 1645 and maneuver to occupy the prepared positions. GROOM will occupy the raised platform to await the payload. Payload will be delivered by BRIDE and MYRRH arriving from the north, wearing Class A ceremonial uniforms.

Main effort will overwatch while the payload is being delivered. Once delivery of the payload is confirmed, all units will proceed to AQWA.

ETA at AQWA is 1830. All units are to immediately breach front entrance of AQWA then sweep and clear interior of building room-by-room. Priority is to locate and secure CAKE while aggressively engaging hor d'oeuvres of opportunity.

Once CAKE is located all units are to participate in compulsory cake consumption until the threat is suppressed. Mission end approx time 2200.

4. SERVICE SUPPORT
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Fire Support

Two sonic artillery units have been tasked with fire support for this mission.

1. The SUNKEN GARDENS AO will be covered by 11th Son. Arty. DOVE HARP. This unit is equipped to deploy experimental munitions type "ZELDA".
2. The AQWA AO will be covered by 23rd Son. Arty. SMOOTH JAZZ. Special "RAY CHARLES" munitions available in limited quantity.

Logistics Support

- No ration packs have been issued. Rations will be obtained by raiding convoys of canapes moving through the AQWA AO.
- Potable water is in short supply at both AO's. In case of emergency, water may be obtained from the exhibits at AQWA.
- There will be CAKE, and then you will be baked.

5. COMMAND AND SIGNAL
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Radio telegraph operator is GROOM on station 0419 314 159 or electronic mail [email protected]
Challenge and password: Oddish/Mereep
Running Password: Violin